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Singleness & Dating

The thin line between a helpmate and a manipulator

One of the ways to tell that I’m very comfortable to be myself around someone is if I can sing in the car with them being there. I ultimately want to be 100% comfortable being myself around my significant other, without feeling like they’re judging or trying to correct me with every little thing.

Are you comfortable around your loved one like you are with God?

Your level of comfort being yourself around your mate and how they treat you for who you are can show you if you’re dealing with a help mate or master manipulator. Apparently even in secular relationships, we are facing an epidemic of manipulators, narcissists and scammers. You know what I don’t have time for? That nonsense.

God loves you unconditionally. He accepts you uniquely for who you are, so why should your mate want to change you and manipulate you into what they want you to be? Also way too many singles are settling for mates that they are trying to change, and this just doesn’t work.

We have to get to a point where we know, love and accept our “flaws”/quirks/peculiarities. Why? Because our insecurities about those things could attract someone who will attack those areas. Pray for a spouse who’s going to cover you in your insecurities; not someone who’s going to talk down to you about those peculiarities, but call them unique and beautiful because that’s how God made you. This is not to be confused with behaviors that God wants you to change. A quality helpmate will serve as a mirror to your ways and it will stir you to change for God first.

As I grew older and matured, I became more comfortable with who I am—it’s been a process. I have a very goofy side, a serious side, motherly tendencies, and soft, proper voice. I’m girly, romantic, and to be honest I was embarrassed about many of these attributes. I remember trying to be something I was totally not around boys and men growing up. But you know what actually works?

Being confident in yourself as you understand who you are to the Father. Click To Tweet

So consider the helpmeet and how they speak to you regarding yourself, after you reveal your “flaws,” how you feel about your flaws or what you think are flaws. They’ll accept those scars and see the story behind them; they will not try to tear you down or bring them up when things get ugly in a disagreement or argument. They’re going to love you and accept you for who you are. That sounds idealistic but it’s very possible to have this in your relationship; this can’t be done without God working on the inside of both partners daily.

Manipulative behaviors can sneak up on you, which makes this a thin line scenario.

A helpmate ultimately is someone who’s helping you (in marriage) become who you are supposed to be in Christ Jesus. To them you’re a human, but you’re a gift, and God’s unique child. A manipulator is someone who’s trying to get their own way from you by using you. To them you’re not a unique person, you’re an object. So you have to use wisdom at all times especially when you see red flags in the beginning of the relationship.

I remember the same issue that I had about my looks were flaws or things that my boyfriend at the time would point out and it wasn’t cute. It didn’t make me feel assured or feel less insecure. A little comment here, a joke in front of other people there. If you run into this scenario with someone consider where is the source of the commentary and the jokes? You know sometimes we take comments a little too literally/seriously. But if they’re constantly tearing you down or trying to change you to look like someone else or not giving you the love and acceptance that you deserve then that’s someone you probably shouldn’t want to be with.

Gabes and Anna Deku from the UK share on this in a video they did recently on signs not to date someone. Specifically forward to red flag number 3:

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to walk along egg shells trying to please my future husband. I want to walk confidently knowing that despite my humanity he accepts, loves and chooses me every day and I him. We need God’s help to do this, otherwise we will try to change and tear down each other.

Have you ever dated a manipulator? Share your thoughts below!

Join the discussion

  1. alicia-joy

    This is so unbelievably true. It took me many failed relationships and well into my 30’s to understand this. If I’m not fully comfortable around him, that’s a sign.

    I’ve slowly learned to fully accept myself (ALL of myself) and it’s still a daily journey. I have a feeling it will always be.

    Thank you for this. Very inspiring.

    • Tatianah Green

      Thank you for sharing Alicia-Joy! As you continue your journey receive all of God’s love. He accepts every part of you because He loves you, all of you!

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