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We cannot crown our men

Post by Kianna Byrd

“Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” Amos 3:3

I absolutely love when the Bible asks a reflective question. It shows that God trusts those whom he grants his gift of wisdom to, to answer it for themselves. I doubt many of us have pondered this question in our dating relationships. I personally suffered for two months in confusion and uncertainty being with a former boyfriend because I did not admit to myself the right answer—that two CANNOT walk together unless they be agreed.

I honestly would get a heaviness in my spirit being around him. He was an unbeliever, emotionally unstable, and I attempted tried to carry his burdens. His pain and his anger, I took on as if it was my cross to bear, but it was all in vain. The cost of that was pain and major hurt to my spirit and soul. I had felt confusion and misery like I had never felt before in my life, and even after the break up I grew angry and still felt hurt. Although God has truly settled my emotions since leaving him, the damage was already done. Reflecting back on this the more I now realize there was no way we could have ever effectively walked together.

I remember we were walking from seeing the fireworks. It was a fun time with him, but my heart was also confused about him. Once the event ended, the walk back was kind of long. Heavy traffic and people flooded the streets. I wanted to cross the street. So I did. I’m a pretty fast walker, so I predicted he would trail behind me, but I never thought it would be this far. Before I knew he was over 30 feet behind me.

I asked myself, ‘Why is he walking so slow?! This is frustrating!’ and then I walked back toward him. I bluntly asked him, ‘Why are you walking so slow?!’ he replied ‘Just gotta go at my own pace.’ I hated this answer, it made my stomach churn. I was deeply convicted when he said that.

I wanted him to join me so bad and walk at my pace, in my direction.

He was pretty high that night out together. I was really processing it all, because I wasn’t used to him acting this way. He’s a pretty quiet guy, so I had mostly an inner dialogue with myself, “How do I feel about this date? How do I feel about him? Man, he’s so high!” Every time he spoke, it was about absolutely nothing, it was nonsense!

I think this was one of the moments I lost respect for him. I just felt sorry for him because in order to avoid his pain he chose to escape reality by being high. Whether he was high or sober, I believe he always spoke the truth about himself because out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45).

So we are walking back, slowly but surely. In my attempt to be playful, I put a few glow sticks together and placed a glow stick crown on his head. I encouraged him and said, “You’re a king!” He paused then disowned his position. “I’m not a king.” This was the moment I saw his low self esteem for what it was.

I should’ve remembered: a man who doesn’t trust in the One True King will NEVER be a true king himself.

I so deeply wanted to make him into a king when truly, only God can do that. Click To Tweet

Only God can take a man out of his own chaos and make him a strong leader. I wanted to crown him so badly that empowering him meant to empower myself. It honestly meant more to me than just him. It was for the sake of other Black men and boys who are living day to day feeling unempowered. I truly believe that Black men are supposed to hold up our Black community and grow our society as a whole, and sure, maybe many black men are. But I just haven’t seen enough of thriving Godly Black men in my life to be convinced of it. This is not to take a shot at Black men, just what I have observed.

I wanted him to be my partner, to influence future generations together. I thought miraculously I could eventually place my confidence in God into him. But I cannot do that. God knew all along that my ex rejected God in his heart. So it’s not that God can’t do it, it’s that God won’t do it. He will not raise up someone who wants to live his own way and apart from Him.

God will not raise up someone who wants to live his own way and apart from Him.

I bring this to your attention because we as women in the height of our feelings towards a love interest, may try to crown them as a king, yet little do we know it’s a hopeless cause. Listen to me queens, if his self esteem isn’t found in the Lord before he dates you, it’s empty effort on your end. Many times seeds of hope can be planted, but they do not take root, like in the parable of the farmer scattering seed (Matthew 13).

This empty effort given toward a disagreed relationship will exhaust you in the process. In turn you will lose who you truly are. It will cause you to get sidetracked in your journey all for the sake of empowering a man that does not have the foundation in his heart to even receive empowerment!

Do not halt your progression for the sake of being with a man who’s not willing or can’t walk alongside you in it.

Queens, proceed with caution in dating and courting and guard your heart! The whole time! You can’t afford to be hurt and exhausted again from another guy who is halting your progress in your walk with God. Just yield to His best plan, which eventually will include a true man who knows and loves God if that’s a desire of your heart. Until then, press into God and grow deeper in your relationship with Him while you’re waiting. The right man will come along eventually. Have faith!

Let God help you to keep you from slipping up with these broken men who don’t know God. I know not everyone’s doing this in the church, but do not look to the right or to the left. (Proverbs 4:27) You must guard your heart because it determines the course of your life (Proverbs 4:23)! I promise you, you are worth it! I encourage you to, Be Set Apart!


Kianna Byrd is the author of ‘Set Apart, Not Aside‘, a personal blog in which she uses as an instrument to prompt individuals to be set apart from negative influences while pursuing their God-given purpose. She wants to encourage others to know that they’re not on the back burner in God’s eyes no matter what season of life they may be in. Through her writing, she shares personal snares and setbacks she’s been through, and reflects on lessons and gains brought forth from them. You can follow her on YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

Join the discussion

  1. Ayana

    This reminds me of my last relationship. I was a newly “born again” and at that time I foolishly thought I could save everyone. I was seeing his potential not what he was at the moment or how he treated me. But you’re right about that “Only God can take a man out of his own chaos and make him a strong leader”

  2. Ashley

    I am late reading this, but it is truly speaking to my heart. I believe i may be in a similar situation. This is encouraging. thank you for the post.

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