So there I was, minding my own business on Facebook, and I noticed a particular post in this singles group that I’m in.
At first I didn’t think much of it, but when I read the post, and the growing number of responses from women in the comments, I really started thinking about it. Let’s discuss the post at hand:
Before I get into what I wanted to share, I will say that the majority of comments under this post in the group were of offense. Some said it was a red flag for a man to make such a request, and it’s not okay for him to tell a woman what to do, especially in regards to how she wants to look on a first date. One would say that these are valid reasons to be upset. But offended? I don’t think so.
Let’s break this down. If you’ve been talking with a man who you’re attracted to and know that the feelings are mutual, I think that one would consider another approach aside from being offended by his request. With the information given us, the couple may have had a chance to talk about some topics of substance within a few weeks (which is at least 3 weeks). I would hope that there was some form of compliment given to one another on looks, how one spoke or presented themselves in any of those conversations. Give me some flirting here, people! There’s a chance that the man met the woman in person, or online and noticed her photos and made a data point on if she’s the type to wear weave and makeup on her own terms because that’s her business. Now, in spite of all that, whether she wears them often or not, he planned the first date anyway…
If we were to consider another point that wasn’t disclosed– he probably saw her without makeup and weave before. In this technology-driven dating era, I wouldn’t be surprised if the couple in this scenario had some sort of video chat, Skype, Facetime, Zoom, or something where they could see each other live before making the effort to meet in person. From what I understand, more dating apps are allowing users to video chat, so let’s say that happened already or at least is a strong likely these days.
As you can see, there’s not enough context to warrant straight up offense to a man requesting you don’t wear makeup on the first date. If anything, it warrants a conversation, because we should consider the tone of the request and his context for the request. We don’t know whether he has some sort of physical activity planned that wouldn’t require her to spend resources and effort to look glammed up. He could be enamored with her natural beauty and doesn’t have enough social intelligence to maneuver those feelings. He could be a total toxic narcissist. But we don’t know any of that, and that’s the point.
When we get offended, we tend to self-preserve at all costs, and that means shutting down any possible reasoning to allow understanding to make alternative decisions. There is a fine line between taking something as an offense and opening up a conversation to gain clarity. Their context is three weeks of conversation, a planned date, and mutual attraction. He’s not some random man off the street who didn’t take the time to get to know her a little bit, nor is he demanding that she show up to their first date without weave or makeup–it’s a request (a polite ask). And requests can get denied. She still has options here to accept the date or not, and to show up with or without makeup and weave.
Offense can get in the way of this scenario and possibly ruin a potentially good first date if she’s not willing to hear what the man’s request means. At times, single people can be so guarded in new dating opportunities with the opposite sex for a number of reasons. From bad experiences in the past to not having enough positive exposure to people of the opposite sex, we can walk into these scenarios with a chip on our shoulder without any desire to reconcile or put our ego to the side. I am not saying that she should just go on the date without the makeup or weave per his request and be silent–she’d only be putting herself at a disservice. There should be a conversation about his request and it can be brought up in a way that doesn’t come off offensive to him either.
I’m not a radical feminist, and I don’t believe that women should just acquiesce to whatever their man says without using wisdom. What I’m hoping to get across here is that the things that we can be so defensive about are possibly non-issues when you make time to consider all of the factors involved. Going back to the post, his request will not be the last questionable thing that man will say to her. Cultural behavior expectations (ie. perceived attitudes) aside, there are better ways to respond to what people say to us than with offense.
This year has not been any kind to Black male and female dynamics in love. We have a certain way that we want to be approached and talked to and vice versa. I believe that we should respect each other enough to not be led by our emotions, but to discern and think more critically when those inevitable miscommunications, or even red flags, arise. Not every man is out to control the woman in his life, and not every woman is looking to rebut the man in her life every chance she gets. Those gross stereotypes, especially made about Black men and women, infiltrate society through so many avenues that when we get questions like in this post, we can’t help but lean to the negative perspective.
