Notes from Scandal: "Pretending is what's real"

By Tatianah Green


If you watch the ABC show Scandal or not, view this clip from episode 18 of this season. It’s a conversation between President Fitzgerald Grant and his wife, Mellie, who knows about his affairs and he knows about her dirty laundry as well. 

What blew me in this whole clip was that in Mellie’s fragile state, she says that pretending in your marriage is what’s real. Pretending to love one another for all the years that you vowed to be together, in public behind the smiles, etc. Whoa, I thought, who says stuff like this? Mellie is a character on TV, but that statement comes from a place of hurt, rejection and lack of real love to say that pretending is what’s real. And so many real families and couples fake the funk to get through. 

Relationships take hard work, and as believers we have this fine line of crossing when we meet someone new. The line teeters between “This is the one for me, they are perfect” to “I’m being delusional and going to make this work because I may not get anything else better than who I’m with now.” That’s a scary thought process to have but it’s real. Have you ever dated someone and thought you were settling? Have you ever thought that there was someone better out there for you, the “perfect” person for you? Were you ever caught up in a relationship in which you were pretending to get through, to have someone to hold you, to say that you weren’t single or alone? Christians go through that too.

Mellie says that everyone pretends in marriage. I have to disagree. I believe that she and Fitz got married on reasons that didn’t include genuine love or God, it was a business/political deal. We say that about the celebrity couples who quickly get together and then break up a second later. Where is the genuine love and integrity? We have to remember where those qualities come from-God- and get back to basics. 

"For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. They are headed for destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and they think only about this life here on earth. But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior." -Philippians 3:18-20 NLT

With God, there is no pretending, His love is real and He is forgiving of the ugliness we show and think we are. We have to practice that relationship that God has with us with each other, for Jesus tells us to love each other as He has loved us (John 13:34-35). This means no pretending, no hiding or lying, no settling for less just to get by, that’s not the God we serve and that’s not how He intended for us to spend our days on earth. You are deserving of love and happiness in a relationship and a marriage if you desire, but you gotta be real with yourself, your mate, your God, and stop pretending. 

Singles, we can’t pretend to not feel certain emotions in our singleness. It’s okay to feel lonely sometimes, we are emotional creatures and need to be uplifted by the Holy Spirit and good counsel to get us out of those pits we dig ourselves into. You can always get a pep talk from God, just open up to Him. Say it out loud, get into prayer mode, or however you express yourself to the Lord. Pull down the defense mechanisms that portray you as tough and bad all by yourself when you really want true companionship and unsure of when and how it will manifest. This kind of pretending is not real, it’s also not going to help you get what you desire out of life any sooner. 

That’s what some of my male friends mention to me when they see women approach them in an ungraceful and aggressive manner, aka “thirsty.” No women of God should be thinking like a worldly man, trying to date like a stereotypical worldly man does: dating numbers of women, hook ups, and numbing your true emotions. That’s how people get hurt-by pretending the real feelings are not there. Stop the madness and keep calm; God has the right person for you, are you getting in the way of that? This goes for the brothers as well.

What I'm getting to in all of this is TV or no TV, pretending to be something you're not, including in relationships, will eat you alive and hurt another person. Don't stay because it's convenient, don't fake it til you make it, face reality and be free from the lies and the pressure. 

Mother's Day for the Motherless Single

By Tatianah Green

As a single (as in unmarried) woman, I often run into the awkward moments on Mother's Day like getting the well wished greeting "Happy Mother's Day! Wait, are you a mama? No? Ohk well have a good day anyway." WOW. That's not the first time it's happened to me and I'm not the only one who has gotten that, even single guys have been greeted with the Happy Father's Day line "just in case" lol. 

In my late twenties, I find myself thinking about that could possibly be: being a wife, being a mother. I can imagine what my children would look like and what they’d want to do, where we would go, and all the things I would love to show them and teach them. There are millions of women in the same shoes, who wish they too could be mothers, to join the sacred club of motherhood and share stories with their fellow mamas about late nights and dirty diapers. My childless friends and I joke and wonder whose going to watch whose kids and spending time together, raising “play cousins.” We want to speak the language of a mother and share love with these little blessings. 

As amazing as the opportunity will be, I have to take this time to enjoy the opportunities I am not a mother. It took two trips in a row and my boyfriend to remind me how the chances of getting up and doing whatever I wanted to do will be extremely limited once I start a family. That irked my nerves to no end! What do you mean no more roadtrips with the crew, annual getaways with the girls? No. As they say, everything changes when you have a child. I wouldn’t be able to be the mom I always envisioned if I continued to do what I’m doing in this season. I have to weigh what’s important for my future and make responsible decisions for the future I always prayed for. 

These thoughts swing back and forth in my mind because I like many my age, are still trying to get it together. Even in their 30s, numbers of professional adults are choosing to put off having children. This can be a good and a bad thing. Will single professionals be too concerned about setting up house and making money for a family that they will pass their prime years to have healthy children. If you find yourself single in this season and wondering when you will smile at the holiday greetings and glow with the joy of bringing a child into this world, know that you’re not alone. 

If you want to have a marriage and family, you have to use wisdom and consider a few things:

• Trust God and His timing. It sounds cliché, but trust me the more you will try to force a relationship and having children, the more stress you add to your life! God gave you the desires for marriage and children, He will make a way for it to happen.
• Date with purpose. While you are setting up your life to support a family, date only those who have the same kind of focus. Men desire to be fathers and women desire to be mothers. Not all of them of course, but you have to be willing to ask their opinion on marriage and family in a mature and real way. I like to ask people what are their goals. If your goals don’t match theirs, there is a likely chance they are not going to change that, would you? Move on to someone who shares mutual goals and desires for their future.
• Research. Babysit, spend time with the current little ones in your life, and ask your family questions about the realities of motherhood. It’s a huge sacrifice to be a parent, and unfortunately too many people take it lightly, leaving the children without the care and guidance they need. After watching the friend’s kids for a weekend, how do you feel? Everyone is different when it comes to caring for children, and that may reveal where you are located in terms of maturity.
• Take care of your health. Get proper checkups on your sexual health, eat right and make exercise a part of your habits so you can have longevity for the next generation. Our bodies are what we need to take care of so we can be the best we can be for our children before during and after they are born.  Know your family history for health issues and take preventative care now to prepare for later.

Children are a gift from God. I will be happy to be a mother of hopefully three blessed and beautiful kids. Until then I have to do what I can to prepare for a family with faith and works now, not anxiety or pressure later.  

If your weapon of choice used against you?

By Tatianah Green

A few years ago I remember a conversation with my brother about all the divorces and remarriages in our family (on both sides). In his frustration he expressed that he felt cursed to cheat on his wife, get divorced, and get a second family like the other family members. I told him because he sees it doesn’t mean he will have to be it. Choosing to not be what you came from or were used to seeing is much more powerful than accepting the cycles of brokenness. What a big choice to make that trace back to little decisions. 

It’s crazy how often we can forget about the power of freedom of choice. God gives us the freedom of choice although He chose us. This very fact is enough to choose God every time because you can’t get that kind of love from anywhere or anyone else. When we chose to accept Christ, we chose to take up our cross, to love our neighbors, to be responsible for our personal walk in this life. 

We learned over and over again what happens when we choose false idols, religion, self, and sin over God. How often do we consider the power and consequences of the choices we make? Not some mistakes as kids or teenagers, but some grown man and grown woman mistakes; the ones we made when we thought we were in control over the situation, our emotions, our bodies. 

Reminds me of a post I just saw on Facebook yesterday that warned people to be careful on who they decide to have children with. When you date and give your time to someone else, you made a decision that you have to be responsible for. When you are responsible for being part of a relationship, you have to take ownership for your role and follow through. This includes speaking about what’s right and share what you want with your mate, then come to a conclusion on what’s best for the team: you and them (or you plural).

You can choose to forgive, speak up, move on, etc. You have a choice. I think we forget our power of choice because of fear of the unknown consequences, the rejection, the potential failure. WE in turn end up making poor choices that don’t reflect the God living within us. I grew up in a household that had strained marriages because of infidelity. Now that I’m legally an adult, emotionally young and spiritually maturing, I have the power of choice over my relationships with my family and who I create my family with. I have the choice to forgive my family and move forward, to choose to not follow in their footsteps and choose to do the right thing. 

You have a choice, a decision to make regarding how you want to live your life. You have to face these consequences and learn from the hurt to make the right decisions. This is common sense to many, but often we make decisions that do us more harm than good. But why is that?

We are fearful
We may be comfortable (complacent) where we are right now
Self-Perceived lack of knowledge or skills
We don’t ask for help
Lost sight of self-identity and related goals 

Being a good person is a decision, being a man or a woman of God is a decision, and all take courage, determination, tenacity and faith in abundance. Own up to your decisions and choices, be able to confront the issues that come before and after the choice. You choose who you ultimately spend your life with. Your Life. Your decision. Just as we can’t complain about the government if we didn’t vote, we can’t complain about our boos if we didn’t take the precautions to search them out before getting together with them. Let that choice be influence if not guided by God, Jesus AND the Holy Spirit, not by patterns established by a past mistake. 

Hold on to God to give you the courage that dwells within you to make the right decisions for your future. This may cause you to feel uncomfortable because you are doing something new (dating after a long time, starting a new relationship, or getting engaged), going against the currents of this life but keep going against the currents of this life, but keep going until you’ve reached your goal. You have the freedom of choice to change your life to what you desire. 

Make sure your desires line up with God’s desires and get ready to be challenged. Choices and decisions are often easy when we can see the options. I encourage you to be still and to look up to God on decisions that you find trouble making. Look at the bigger picture of things, consider the rewards and the costs, and don’t forget the consequences. 

Although God chooses His children, we all have our own way of choosing Him. He chose us to remind people that in spite of the things we had no choice (or did) in our past, we choose Him to be the light and lamp for our feet. Whatever choices and decisions you make, do it with faith and courage because life and time is too short to let fear or anything else make decisions for you.

The A-List: Ideal vs Real Expectations in Dating

By Zaneta Dabney

As a young woman, with many dreams and aspirations, I always defined the ultimate success as being married with children and raising my children to be heroes, in their own context, within this world. 

 I was that young girl who talked about what her wedding would look like, the color theme of the wedding, who would participate in my bridal party, and where my husband and I would honeymoon.   

Moreover, I had heard numerous people in my life growing up mention what their idea of their IBM (Ideal Black Man) was.  For me, it was simple. I knew what I wanted and had to figure out a way to get it as I was to be married at 25, have my first child at 27 and have at least 3 or 4 children.

Over time, I established standards, somewhere right around my freshman year of college.  I was single and ready to mingle, but wanted to be sure that I made my desires plain before God.  So, as the Bible as does tell us to “write the vision and make it plain” –Habakkuk 2:2-3. I created a list that I called my “A-List”:

From Rebelbrown.com

“1. Christian 2. At least 6 feet tall 3. Nice teeth 4. Very attractive 5. Career focused… doesn’t have to make a lot of money, but does have to be able to support himself and have goals. 6. College educated 7. No children 8. Never been married 9. African American 10. Committed 11. Honest”

This was my idea of my IBM and this was what my future husband would be (without exception). 

This man, who I had dreamt about, written about in my personal diaries, and obsessed over day in and day out, was someone created from my investigative research tools: Romantic Comedies, Dating Books, my personal experiences, and couples that I admired in Hollywood: Jada Pickett and Will Smith, Beyoncé and Jay-Z, not to mention the many reality shows of married couples that I adored. I held tight to God’s promises, specifically the one in Matthew 7:7, you know, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” (NIV) So, I knew that if I asked God for what I wanted in a man and prayed hard, He would have to give it to me as that was the promise! 

Here I was, an African American woman, college educated, career focused, no children, never married, loved God, and wanted someone who could complement me as well.

However, after a million first dates, two long-termed relationships that failed, and finding myself by myself at the age of 26, I came to the harsh realization that my understanding of the promises of God were skewed and were polluted by my own will and the world’s perspectives on what I should have in a mate.  Moreover, my “A-list” for my IBM only covered the surface of what he should be. These were things that I wanted, with only two criteria on my A-List of those things that I needed.

The Criteria on my list primarily focused on my IMB’s status in life, his looks and his proclaimed religiosity.  They failed to acknowledge the deeper part of this man I desired:  “Not only was he a Christian, but did he have a “relationship” with God? He should be attractive, but at what cost? Would this man have too much ego as a result of his attractiveness to where he would have constant struggles with temptation? Career focused – yes - but at what cost? Would he be so career focused to where there was no time or energy left at the end of his work day to love on me and show me the affection and attention that I needed as a woman? College educated? What if this man was skilled in a trade or what if he was working towards getting an education or had a desire to but had not done so at the time that I met him?

No children – what if it was a case where God wanted to bless me with a man with children as He knew I could not bear any, or these were children that needed a mother as their mother passed away or abandoned them? Never married?  What if God used this experience as a testimony and preparation for him to eventually be with me? African American? What if God wanted to bless me with a man who was not African American? What if my call was to reach out to other ethnicities and races, to be a part of an international diverse ministry and reach the masses?

I came to the understanding that I had it completely wrong.  My priorities were not in line with what God knew I needed.  Deeper than that – I was asking God to bless me with a man with qualities that I yet had within myself. 

We as single men and women of God have to be extremely cautious as to what we prioritize on our “A-list” of “should have’s”.  We also must be extremely cautious as to what we ask God for.  Marriage and love are not always synonymous as a great looking man/woman from the outside is not always synonymous to happiness.  Our desires in our mate should go deeper than just what covers the surface.  Our desires in our mate should be in line with the purpose and call God has on our life and the ministry he has placed within each and every one of us. 

For me, personally, with each day I am trying to change my mind to what God has for me.  I laugh within as I write this because when it comes to a job, we trust God to have his way and let his will be done… or when it comes to trusting God to get us a new car or a new house, we trust Him and believe in Him; but it’s funny how our faith waivers when it comes to trusting in Him in blessing us with our “Soul mate”. 

 It is hard letting go, and even now, there are times where I know that I am trying to impose my will over God’s will.  But I have truly let go and updated my list with those things that matter long term versus those things that “look and sound” good to me. As a result, I have begun to attract a different type of man.  Although I have yet to meet my Boaz, the quality of men that I meet are different now.  I believe what you believe and how you carry yourself will truly shine through and like mindedness attracts just that, like mindedness.   

My understanding and perception of what the IBM is today, is very different, and as a result, I know that with each day, I am getting closer and closer to the man that God has for me… Stay tuned :)

Zaneta Dabney is the singles ministry leader at the South Suburban Missionary Baptist Church, located in Harvey, IL.