A Word to Parents (From a Formerly Sheltered Kid)
What I would offer to those who are parents, as someone who was a child and young adult under a parent’s care, is don’t underestimate what your child knows and what they are capable of. In one breath, you want them home with you during some of the most foundational years of their adulthood, but you still may demand that they go out to school AND work. You may not have taken out the time to teach them the life lessons you have learned so they’re not afraid of the world that they eventually have to engage with, but I implore you to do so. They know way more than you think they do, and after 18, it’s time to give those important life lessons to them straight—no chaser.
Even if it is honest feedback, like you don’t believe they’re ready to live independently because they’re not showing enough maturity, resilience, or personal responsibility, you, as the parent, can guide them through that and create a plan. I wish I had a plan instead of a routine or a list of to-dos. I would have rather heard I couldn’t go because I wasn’t mature enough to handle living by myself, and then work on a plan to get to that point. You know why? Because nothing is guaranteed. Sheltering children, teens, and young adults without providing them the guidance to achieve independence can lead to the epidemic of “failure to launch.” We’ve seen that in countless movies and shows, and it’s not faring well in adulthood.
I’m not a parent, so I withhold judgment, but simply sharing from my perspective because it’s valid and can help someone else down the road, like my own children, should I have them. Growing up, I had to learn to let go of people when they had to move or chose to move; I didn’t want to limit them or keep them all to myself. I would do the same with my child, especially if I know they have shown and proven they are mature and responsible to start living independently. If they were or weren’t ready, I would still have those intentional talks with them, because life tests come at you whether you go away to college or not.
One lesson I remember telling my youngest sister before she left for college (the youngest went the furthest away from home, by the way) was to not let anyone make her feel like she had to come down from her level in order to be with them. She should always respect herself as the foundation for her choices and trust God. Whatever else she chose to do is above me because it’s not my life to limit or manipulate.
The Grief of the Life You Didn’t Get
For those who may not have sat with and faced their unaddressed feelings about being sheltered, I get it and I hear you. A lot of you may have realized you might have had a chance to live a totally different life than the one you had up to now. It’s okay to face that wincing pain within, cry about it, hit a pillow, run it out, journal about it, scream into the void about it. But let that out. That resentment towards anyone you felt sheltered or limited you will breed nothing but ugliness, so take your time to process it now and heal. God was and is always with you.
When we release the tension from our brows, relax our shoulders, and unclench our jaws from those “If they only let me…” and “If I only could have…” thoughts, and grieve that life we thought we’d have, it will lead to healing those wounds. My envisioned life of going off to undergrad in Miami was full of warmth and positive thoughts. I jokingly say I would have been married to a Cuban American given the population down in the MIA, but you never know. And I will never know. I even ask God to show me what it would have been like, but I don’t ever see it. And that’s okay to leave that fantasy in the grave to make space for a very present and fulfilling life that you can be living today. I get triggered, but I refuse to hold it over my mom’s head anymore. She was trying her best to keep me safe, even if there were some parts of dysfunction in there.
Learning Freedom as an Adult
Now approaching a new decade of life, I’m sensing that overwhelming calm that I don’t have to live for anyone’s approval but God’s. It’s almost “too free” to a formerly sheltered kid. I…have options that don’t have negative consequences. And if they carry judgment from elders, I have the right to not carry that weight, because it’s what I think about myself.
I can’t change my circumstances in the past, but I have the autonomy and voice to shape my today and tomorrow. I can be unapologetically unstoppable in how I approach living how I want and where I want. I hope the same for you, too.
If any of this resonated with you, I want to challenge you to not only face that pain and possible resentment of growing up sheltered, but start to make bold and brave choices for yourself, by faith.
God is waiting on you. Still sitting with these questions? Me too. That’s why I’m gathering with other truth-tellers and freedom-seekers at the Unapologetically Unstoppable: Redefined Conference this April 25th in Oak Lawn, IL. Join us if you’re ready to take the next step—details and registration.
