I think most of us who have been on social media this week have heard the news that really shouldn’t have been aired out in the first place: rapper and social advocate T.I. aka Clifford “Tip” Harris was on a podcast and shared that he goes to the gynecologist with his teen daughter Deyjah to have her hymen checked to verify if she’s still a virgin.
Now that his daughter is 18 years old and in college, he is continuing this check up to get what he referred to as “my results” from the doctor to see if that intimate part of her anatomy is the proof he needs that she’s not having sex.
I’ve seen countless opinions on how his approach is sexist, hypocritical, a double standard, and misogynistic. From a historical to a feminist perspective, I have heard it all these past few days. There are also a remnant of folks who believe his method is not harmful at all to the young woman because “he is protecting her.” I see…
I know some people may read this post and question what do I know about parenting or fatherhood. Well, I’m a daughter, so from that perspective, I want to shed some light of offer up suggestions on how fathers can best protect their daughters when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex.
You know, this whole situation that was brought upon us—because again, T.I. volunteered this information for the whole world to know—I considered how men still don’t know a lot about female anatomy and autonomy. Parents are not perfect, but they definitely can learn to be better ones. This also goes for my guys who want to be fathers one day in the future. There are better ways to go about protecting your daughter’s sexual purity than what T.I. is suggestively doing.
Being honest about your own mistakes
Breakthroughs happen when we are a little more honest. Fathers can better protect their daughters by giving a realistic context as to why they desire their daughters to wait to have sex. By sharing what you went through, they can either relate to you or take it as an excuse do what they want, because those are realistic responses. But being sincere about your own mistakes in interactions with the opposite sex will more than likely help your relationship through that vulnerability.
Not parenting out of fear
Often times parents are overprotective out of fear, but that can backfire because it can cause the child to rebel or resent your parenting. A “do it because I said so” style of parenting doesn’t work for every kid, nor does it explain why they are not allowed to do what you’re protecting them from. By giving your daughter only the fear and horror stories about sex and the opposite sex, you’re ultimately shaping how she will view her God-given sexuality and how she views sex when she engages in it, married or otherwise.
I wonder what the consequences would be if T.I.’s daughter was found to be sexually active. Would she still feel valued by her dad? Would she feel unworthy of his love? Fathers, think about your child or young adult and how they will internalize how to talk to them and treat them. Parenting out of fear is more about you than it is about what she is or isn’t doing.
From a spiritual perspective, God does not parent us out of fear, because that characteristic is not of Him. God gives us boundaries for our protection because He knows the intent and purpose of the things He created. When God designed our bodies, anatomy, and sex drive, there was an intention and place for sex to take place: covenant marriage. There are countless scriptures that talk about the consequences of premarital sex and adultery to support this. God is not withholding us from sex, but wants us to apply it to the right time and context for our lives to ultimately keep us from harm. That is out of love, not fear.
Being the example of what you want her to have
T.I. may be paranoid about his own daughter’s behavior because he himself has not been pure or sexually responsible in his own life. But a repented, changed lifestyle is the best example you can show your children. As much as you want an impressionable youth to abstain from something, you as an adult, fully aware of what you’re doing, should practice self control in that same area. This could mean being faithful to your wife or being responsible with how you treat the women in your life.
Yes, families have dysfunctions and cycles, but you don’t have to repeat them. Some of us don’t realize the weight of our generational addictions and issues until we see the next generation come up, but you don’t have to lose hope. Set an example for your daughters now as to how they should be treated by the opposite sex by treating their mother with respect and respecting your daughter.
Letting her voice be heard
When someone doesn’t know the purpose of something, they are likely to abuse it. I’ve seen a few people share that T.I.’s methods of protecting his daughter are right, but when does his daughter have a say in what happens to her? For him to even share that business about her own body and sexual status for the world to hear was a violation of her privacy. That can cause a divide in their communication and trust, and my prayer was that he is able to mend their relationship and apologize to her personally for that.
Fathers, your daughters are human beings, not property. You have a right to protect them, but you can’t live vicariously through them and you can’t control them. Think about it: has that parenting style worked on you coming up? We tend to repeat what we’ve experienced ourselves unless we are intentional about unlearning the controlling behaviors and learn to build a trusting relationship with mutual trust and freedom to communicate.
Be present always
Lastly, a present father is vital in her life in all ways, not just the ways he feels are important. Providing for her financially can only go so far in her development, she will need more from you. If that requires you to do the work and dig deep, do it for her. Being there to hear your daughter out about her own life changes and transitions again builds that trust in her for you, her father. Ideally, you want to want her to come to you with any questions about boys and not hide her relationships from you.
We’re in a time that our girls, women and daughters need protection more than ever. Protection comes in many forms, but your intentions should be pure while giving her a sense of safety and not invasion in your covering.
I could say a lot more here, but I’ll leave you with these classic lyrics from the John Mayer song, “Daughters“:
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
