Wanting financial security is NOT gold digging

I wanted to explore this topic again because of some videos that came out about the topic of hypergamy, which essentially is marrying someone in a higher social or economic class than you. In some cultures this is normal and this is taboo in others, with some equating this act to that of gold digging.

A gold digger (woman) is one “whose primary interest in a relationship is material benefits.” Despite what it seems, there are differences between hypergamy and gold digging, so let’s discuss a few reasons why women wanting to be financially secure is not on the same level at all as gold digging. 

I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger…

Just because a woman wants a man who “makes money” doesn’t mean she is a gold digger. Having means or “making money” is subjective, as one woman’s six figures are different from a woman’s desire for a man who makes more than that. There are several reasons that could be explored and not assumed about the person who has these desires. She could desire to marry a man who has a certain tax bracket because:

• she is at the same if not close to that same tax bracket level
• she is accustomed to living a certain lifestyle that is above middle and working class
• she desires to be financially secure individually and as a couple
• she doesn’t have a poverty mindset (this is a biggie)

In today’s society it’s practical wisdom to have multiple sources of income, and women are not only obtaining their degrees in record numbers, but pursuing entrepreneurship and building wealth on their own. Security is obtainable more than ever for women to get their own, they also don’t want to lose what they got either. We’d rather be with someone who we can make more money with than someone who would cause us to lose it.

Culture shifts

YouTuber Chrissie recently posted a video with practical ways to meet men of means. I thought it was informational on how many ways a woman can meet a man with wealth. I think as many times as women are shamed for being gold diggers, we can’t help but go after the natural instinct to be secure, cared for and loved on. It’s the major changes in society that have shaken up our view on gender roles and what a woman should desire in a man.

We also can’t overlook the economic shifts affecting our earning potential and Millennials’ growing desire not to marry nor have kids ‘til later in life due primarily to finances. We are seeing a shift in attitude towards relationships where women are taking men out regularly and paying the bill or going 50/50 on dates. You can arrange it however you want, but today’s dating doesn’t and will not sit right in everyone’s spirit.

Perhaps men see women who want to marry or even date men with money as gold diggers because they don’t understand our innate desire for security. Other cultures’ women are being raised to seek security, while Black women have been bombarded with messages to help Black men from women and men in our community. We have been told to settle for potential, to give men a chance who make less than we do, etc. But you wanna know something? That can and has backfired on sistahs for some time now.

There are men within the Black community that associate Black women, with poverty, and marrying women of other races as leveling up for them. I wish this wasn’t true, but look at many of our mainstream athletes and celebrities. Their influence sends a message to our culture that this is what you do when you reach a certain status and in many cases it’s problematic.

I agree that women in general have a lot to offer men, and Black women have been the backbone of our men throughout our history in the western world. Women are the “favor” as indicated in the Bible, so we have to operate accordingly. This means not putting ourselves in positions that do not serve us like supporting a man we are merely dating with finances, or prioritizing ourselves as liabilities and not assets. As many ladies I know can testify, potential and fineness can’t pay bills—actions and follow through do.

What’s more important than money?

Character is very important in how you will both approach having wealth together in your relationship/marriage. Just because a woman prefers to marry someone who makes more money than her doesn’t mean that she is a money hungry person. Men, if all you feel you have to bring to the table in relationships is money, you need to go back to get some more substance. Women want a man who has integrity, openness, and not intimidated by who she is and what she can contribute to the unit. Women of God especially want a man who has a heart after God and is obedient to Him. If men let go of the patriarchal stereotype that they will have to be the sole breadwinners in the home, they would be able to see their wives/future wives as partners in building a future together in multiple areas including wealth.

Men also have to use wisdom in choosing a mate not on just looks, for some women are brought up to manipulate men with their looks to get what they want; it’s a tale as old as time. Men should not make their job the anchor of their manhood or identity because that job/money could be gone in an instant and then what? You better have some godly qualities about you, so you can humbly seek God and have success despite your circumstances and outside of what the world deems as successful.

Overall, money isn’t everything, but it is important in marriage. There are resources out there for women and men to get financially healthy and start building wealth, with or without a spouse. Get free from any and all fears that you have about money so it won’t distort your view on marriage or who you choose to marry.

Is money a factor in who you marry? Share your thoughts below!