2 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days. That is how long I have been practicing sexual abstinence. No I am not prude or unattractive, just in case you were wondering. I have had my share of 50 Shades fantasies and rendezvous that would put celebrity porn stars to shame. So you see, the pleasure principle is not foreign to me.
But with that identity came strife for who I am is a woman that bore the shame after the guilt of three abortions and one ectopic pregnancy. I’ve been the side chick more times than I’d like to remember knowing the best hotels for a late night creep by name. I’ve been places I shall never repeat and have done strange things for change when the rent was due. I am a sinner. Just like you. But what I know for sure is that His righteous love never fails and when God called me by name out of the darkness and into His marvelous light, just like a child who loses sight of their parent for a moment, I came running.
And to His love is what I attribute my new found respect for the body which stands as the holy temple of the Living God and to whom I pledge all my allegiance. I write to you in hopes that if you are struggling with fornication then there is hope still. If I can do it, surely you can too and I pray that what I’ve learned along the way may be a blessing or break through for you.
Sex before marriage does not equate to love.
I lost my virginity at 14 years old. Ask me what I was thinking or what I thought I was doing and I still don’t know. What I do remember is a longing to be liked and accepted and the capacity and willingness to do anything for approval. Fast forward into adulthood and that desire is stronger than ever. I would enter into relationships and to prove my love and loyalty, sex would surely follow. Don’t misunderstand. The joy in the act was just as good for me as it was for my reciprocators if not more. I readily enjoyed sexual intercourse but also translated the feeling in the moment as one of being in love. Whether I with him or him with me. It was all the same to me.
What I did not realize was that this very sacred act and gift designed by God for the sacrament of marriage has been used and abused for physical enjoyment between persons without the proper authorization to engage. The Bible makes countless references with regards to abstaining from premarital sex and primarily for this very reason. We as humans do not have the capacity to differentiate between sex and love and vice versa because sex in itself was designed for a man and wife to partake in order to seal their union and to multiply. Hence the term: “make love.”
So what that means is if we’re having sex with a boyfriend or girlfriend or even just casually we become enthralled into the chemistry and psychosis of oneness instantaneously. It is very hard to break a bond, mental or emotional, with someone that you’ve had sex with even though you are certain that this person is not for you. Even if you break up with someone their residue still remains inside of you. You still think about them, long for them and have urges to return to them because you have created that infamous soul tie. If you can relate to this, then believe me when I tell you that the act of premarital sex can cause a great deal of confusion to say the least.
Sex before marriage leads to brokenness.
Broken virginities. Broken families. Broken promises. Broken hearts. Broken spirits and the list goes on. In my entire adult life I know of one individual that saved herself for marriage. Just one. That says enough about the state of marriages in our generation. Too many of us are entering into relationships behaving like married people especially in our living arrangements, myself included.
But the truth is we’re not married and that the blessing of the covenant over marriages does not include these relationships. The Bible says “he who finds a wife,” not a girlfriend or a baby mama. We are not covered. As a result, relationships fall apart, whole families are fractured and the dynamic of single family homes keep expanding, especially in the black community. Again, don’t misunderstand. The same can be said for marriages as well but let’s be honest with ourselves. It’s a whole lot easier to walk away from a girlfriend or a boyfriend than it is a wife or a husband.
My Why?
I grew up realizing that deep relationship with God at an early age and made a pact to be true to him and not misdirect my sexuality till marriage. I think too highly of myself to want to seek validation from another man in a relationship by sexual relations. Even when I was in compromising situations that would have broken my pact, it kept ringing in my ears how much of a dishonor it would be. And each time the fear arose, I found myself out the door the next minute. A patched up vessel is still different from a new vase that has not broken. I didn’t want such brokenness. It might take me a while to recover.
Thank you Moboni for sharing this! God loves you and will honor your sacrifices.