Ghost-like: Lessons from being ghosted

Anyone who has been into this season of Insecure on HBO has seen the all too familiar dating phenomenon in our culture: ghosting.

To sum up, the main character Issa meets a new guy, Nathan, who pursues her and they enjoy getting to know each other. Things are going real well until one day she messages him and doesn’t get any response.

Issa does what most of us would do, she tries to be patient and comes up with logical reasons as to why he is not able to pick up the phone. Days pass and she finds it hard to go through the day without checking her phone, his social media profile for any signs of life, and even coming up with a plan to roll up at his place and investigate if he is there or not. It takes her best friend Molly to help her snap out of it, but Nathan meant something to Issa.

More days pass, weeks too and it’s eventually a month until she hears from him again. He shows up with sorry in his eyes, telling her that he had to get away back to his hometown of Houston because he was feeling down. She takes in what he says and tells him that she didn’t come onto him, he pursued her. So she has the option to take him back in a sense and talk things over. Or neither.

At the end of season 3 Issa decides to go to her own place decorate it and sit on her own couch. Yes, instead of taking Nathan back she decided to give it some time to think about what she really wants she says. The scenario is common and that’s why it triggered so many people over the past few weeks with this season’s story line. One of those people is me.

I was in a relationship with a Nathan type before, and now that I know better, I have some wisdom to share with those who run into dates or partners who ghost them:

Don’t take it personal. Most of the time their actions or inaction has nothing to do with you and more about what’s going on with them.

Don’t force a relationship continue. You may think you’re fighting for your relationship by pushing for making it work, but truly a relationship works when both partners are willing to do what’s needed to make it work.

Excuse = enable. Like when Issa was in her first moments of being ghosted, she was concerned, confused, and finding excuses for why he was not answering her calls or messages. Don’t excuse away a person’s behavior, especially ghosting. Excusing it away when they come back out of the blue to you does not hold them accountable for their actions.

If you aspire to truly be partners, you’re going to have to address things that bother you in your relationship in a mature way. This doesn’t mean dump them right away, and it doesn’t mean cuss them out. See what the issue is, and decide if being in a relationship with your partner is a priority compared to them getting help.

You can’t save everyone. Continuing from my last point, if your partner shows emotional instability being a root cause of their disappearing acts, they need help. Mental health is nothing to take lightly, as it affects people around the individual suffering. Taking on their burden is most likely not your portion; as they will need help at a level that’s beyond your abilities.

Being there for them as they heal and grow is a decision that you make, but if they are not willing to change, get delivered or made whole, then the dynamics of the relationship change. They are given into their issues and you’re on the receiving end of that. People only change when they want to. All the love that you have to give them can only do so much.

Heal from your own damage. Sometimes being ghosted or in a relationship that you were abandoned can add to what you have been already carrying through life. Take some time to evaluate yourself and seek God on what led you to this person and what were the things, good and bad, that happened in the relationship. What are you willing to forgive and what do you believe you deserve?

Have you forgiven this person who hurt you? Others who have done the same thing to you in the past? Things that haven’t been dealt with will eventually return in another season.

Pass the test. Like myself and like Issa, you while more than likely be faced with some kind of test regarding the person who ghosted you. Maybe they will reach out to you after a while, or you meet someone new who has similar red flags as the ghoster. Here is where you must apply wisdom, affirm yourself in God’s Word and stay focused. Are you going to decide what’s best for you or are you going to be led by your emotions? Are you going to excuse the old habits of a new person or do better?

In the end we are all not perfect people and can learn to be more empathetic. But we must also know when are being played and disrespected. Seek a whole relationship with a whole individual, encourage healthy communication and don’t give into excusing away behaviors that you know you don’t tolerate for the sake of someone’s “I’m sorry.”

Have you ever been ghosted in a relationship? What was your response?