Twenty years ago I was in summer camp singing and dancing to the R&B hits of the time. TLC’s classic “No Scrubs” was new on the radio as well as another catchy song for the ladies called “Bills Bills Bills” by Destiny’s Child.
Twenty years ago, girls and women alike were convinced that a man wasn’t a man if he wasn’t taking care of himself and was able to help her out if need be. Fast forward to 2019, and the pendulum has swung in another direction from the days of my youth.
It’s no secret that we are seeing a trend of men who are depending on women (who aren’t their mothers, by the way) to change them, upgrade them and prove their loyalty to his growth before he changes her last name. Modern society suggests that we should be equal in pay but when it comes to relationship dynamics, we are still trying to figure this out.
Case in point, a recent viral tweet that sparked debate on the Internet again about how much should a woman really do for her man who is NOT her husband yet.
Bob Phondo shared 10 reasons why he married his now wife in a tweet thread that reached thousands over the course of a couple of days. When I saw the list for myself I couldn’t believe how much she had done for her boyfriend. Honestly, a lot of these things are “wife benefits” or what a helpmeet can do. His points involve commitments that would require covenant (marriage) on my end. But this is 2019, where many say that “everything goes” and a remnant is bucking against that like “…nah.” Count me as part of that remnant.
As much as I appreciate long-suffering love, this is a rare occasion that many men and even some women were praising as progress. I’m wondering as much as this beautiful woman has done for her boyfriend when he had nothing, did he take on her last name as well? Will she be leading the marriage or did they change roles once he got on his feet financially? So many questions…
I won’t judge their situation, since I don’t have a lot of context on their relationship and at the end of the day, this is their relationship. But since Phondo shared this with us on a public platform, I do want to highlight that 20 years ago, this scenario would not be received as positively as today. So we are going to compare the lyrics to the Destiny’s Child hit to this tweet and see what we can get from this:
[Verse 1: Beyoncé]
At first we started out real cool
Taking me places I ain’t never been
But now, you’re getting comfortable
Ain’t doing those things you did no more
You’re slowly making me pay for things
Your money should be handling
And now you ask to use my car (car)
Drive it all day and don’t fill up the tank
And you have the audacity
To even come and step to me
Ask to hold some money from me
Until you get your check next week
[Pre-Chorus: Kelly Rowland]
You triflin’, good for nothing type of brother
Silly me, why haven’t I found another?
A baller, when times get hard
I need someone to help me out
Instead of a scrub like you
Who don’t know what a man’s about
[Chorus]
Can you pay my bills?
Can you pay my telephone bills?
Do you pay my automo’ bills?
If you did then maybe we could chill
I don’t think you do
So, you and me are through
Can you pay my bills?
Can you pay my telephone bills?
Do you pay my automo’ bills?
If you did then maybe we could chill
I don’t think you do
So, you and me are through
Overall, I don’t think men or women should go beyond the role they are playing in their relationships, especially if it’s before marriage. When we give more than we ought, we run the risk of being used and abused in our resources and emotions. You are not obligated to upgrade a boyfriend or girlfriend. If you want to you can, but use discretion.
Sometimes people have to learn on their own, same as we cannot make someone change or accept salvation; they have to want the change for themselves and do the necessary work.
This also is not an example of “building together” that many people talk about. We have to use wisdom in how much of a help we should be to our significant others before marriage. After marriage, you are one unit and therefore what affects one spouse affects you both. Then it’s okay to do these things because it’s for you both ultimately.
This is so good! Sidenote: I struggled to get through this article without singing 🎤 😂 , but back to the review. I totally agree, the standards of masculinity are so fluid if we allow society to be the standard. Thank God for His objective standard that we know will always be for our good. I too would be very concerned with his ability to lead. As you stated we don’t have much context but I’m also wondering 🤔🤔 how long this courtship lasted before he decided to propose. “The dangerous thing about auditioning to be a wife is that you may not get the part” (J. Flowers_RedefinedTV) I think this is one of those unicorn 🦄 situations that ended in marriage (assuming this is in God’s will), but more often than not, as you stated assuming the role of helpmeet prior to receiving the title of wife often results in being used. I think we just have to be prayerful and use discernment because everyone is called to different assignments, but as for me, I agree these are “wife benefits” — *holds up index finger and joins the “_nah” remnant* 😄
Great read!!
Thank you Akija! I agree with you and thank you for that additional insight!!
Love this article and love your insight in this comment! I’ve forwarded this to my girls. No judgement from me, but not I!
Thanks for reading, Ella!