It’s been a while since I’ve blogged specifically on the topic of colorism (prejudice against dark skinned people within one’s community). This issue has been center of many discussions within popular culture lately, from an episode this season on Black-ish or Chris Brown and other Black male artists getting backlash for comments or lyrics in their music.
Colorism has also impacted our community in the area of relationships and dating. We’re going to briefly discuss colorism in dating and how you can respond to your date if they show colorist behaviors around you.
Is my date colorist?
You may not see it on the first date. But be mindful on how they compliment you and what comments they make (jokes or otherwise): “I usually don’t date women darker than me…” or “You’re not too bad for a light-bright…”
We carry stereotypes against our own in our minds daily. Social media has made it more aware with pages and groups that put certain groups with our community on a pedestal. Your date may be colorist if they consistently focus on skin tones of you and other people, say disparaging remarks about dark skinned people, or give preferential treatment to people of lighter skin tones.
Preference vs Prejudice
There is definitely a difference between having a preference for a certain type of person and having ill motive for being with that type of person. There are individuals who desire someone who looks like them, some who don’t care and some who desire a specific aesthetic while putting down others.
For a while I had a preference, but I have dated different men in the color spectrum. What concerns me personally is being pursued by someone solely on my look, which is light brown with long hair. I apparently have some “advantage” in this colorism system but that shouldn’t be the case. It makes me feel objectified. I don’t want to be someone’s trophy because of how I look. You are more than a checkpoint on someone’s shallow list, you are someone’s wife or husband.
Preferences can also change as we get out and engage with different people. Our preferences also change as we mature. If our Creator God is no respecter of persons, we need not treat other with this hierarchy when being in unity as a people should be the higher priority.
How colorism has impacted Black relationships
We’ve gotten to a very ugly point in our dating standards that is seen in even the public figures we see everyday in the media. There’s an unspoken association of darker skin with poverty and lighter skin with coming up or “finally making it.” Making it to what one should ask? There is a theory out here that suggests certain Black people want to compete with their white counterparts in business and more, so having a partner that looks close to or is from their race puts them at an advantage.
Colorism affects our relationships by widening the divide between men and women in our community. For example Black men are accused of wanting only women who are “light, bright and almost white,” and Black women are accused of wanting only “tall, dark and wealthy.” We have been affected yet again by White Supremacy to believe that people who look closer to whiteness are more valuable and desirable. Although I’m noticing a change in advertisements, Black women shouldn’t be discriminated against because their beauty is not promoted in the mainstream culture as beautiful.
It affects our relationships because the ones built on looks and colorism have a faulty foundation. Add children and then it’s a new generation of people who grow up with the colorist mentality that dark is bad, poor, ugly and light is right, pretty, safe.
We have to be discerning about who we partner with because their mindsets and ways will reflect in how you raise your children. For instance, if one partner hates their blackness and strategically partners with someone opposite of them, they may be disappointed when their offspring looks like them and not their partner. We see this a lot now in social media. There’s a preference to want mixed-looking girls and dark skinned boys. That is because there is a history of associating darker skin with masculinity and fairer skin with softness/femininity (you’d notice this even in cartoons). Children don’t need this mental abuse, especially from their parents.
Conclusion: how to respond to a colorist date
Is your date showing signs of colorism? You can ask them what their experience with race/color was like in school, if they had siblings or relatives of different complexions and if there were any preferences given from the parents. If you’re legit interested in them but this shows a red flag, see where they got their preferences from; a lot of times we are the result of the culture we grow up in and need revelation. Be observant and ask them what they think about Black people. You may get the answers you’re looking for.
You also have the option to walk away. You don’t have to stay with someone who has any hate for themselves or others based on appearances or who support ignorant biases. You want a partner who will love you and your kids (present or future) for who you are, not your hue.
For more resources on colorism in the Black community, I recommend the following YouTuber channels that cover this topic well: Chrissie, Leah Gordone and For Harriet.
Below is an old poem that I shared on Facebook during a time when nightclubs were throwing “light skinned parties“. This piece was in response to the discrimination:
I Love My/Your Hue (2007)
I love my sister’s hue,
it’s not like mine but just as beautiful
it’s a mixture of fair and tan
with a hint of yellow undertone
to some she’s called light skinned or redbone
no matter the name, she’s as black as I am…
I love my mother’s hue,
she is not light like me but darker
that doesn’t make her ugly or me smarter
she is more than herself when I see her shade,
reminiscent of my ancestors that were enslaved
because people saw their hue and thought them inferior
recognize that God’s light is the only “light” superior…
I love my brother’s hue
and the skin that he is in,
bound and turned around because of the world we’re living in
it doesn’t matter if he desires someone who is darker or who is lighter,
he’ll be judged the same by both and neither
and just cuz he’s dark doesn’t mean he wants a white girl either.
Why for this divide? Why is this hate still alive?
Love can only increase the decrease of the “shadist” eye.
We are all different but the same,
yet separated by the past, our hues, and the names.
