Post by Lynnette Easter
It was my senior year of high school and on one weekend afternoon; I answered the phone and silently listened to the news my best friend shared with me regarding her diagnosis. Afterwards, she stated to me: “When you come visit me in the hospital—do not cry.” I promised my best friend that I wouldn’t and upheld that promise during every visit and phone conversation we had. As I prayed daily and believed God for her healing, the confidence I had in God left me assured that she was going to be fine.
It was a month before my high school graduation; my parents wanted to talk as I got settled in from school. My best friend had transitioned to Heaven. The older sister I once had was gone; I felt completely lost. The promise I made to her of coming home from college and taking care of her on breaks would never happen. I could not accept her death. Feeling betrayed by God, my trust in and how I viewed Him changed. I went away to college and my rebellion against God began.
By now I was right with God, 22 years old; a couple of months away from having my son and back home. I was praying daily and trusting God to heal my son’s father. With everything I was facing, I was afraid. However, I was accustomed to internalizing my true feelings and great at pretending my emotions away. So, I stuffed all of my emotions away in a secret place of my heart, which was my method of dealing with them.
The day before my 24th birthday, my son’s father transitioned to Heaven. My cries housed so many emotions I couldn’t face or talk about. The trust I had in God was now gone. I concluded that my faith in God hadn’t been good enough for Him to answer my prayers. I decided from that day forward to never put complete trust in God regarding anything else in my life.
I took charge of my own destiny and after making decisions, I would ask God to bless them as I tried to fulfill voids and ease the pain that existed in my life. I desired a two-parent home for my son and saw no issue with being unequally yoked. My end results were: poor choices, consequences and regrets. So, I attempted to refrain from making poor choices and decisions, which was completely impossible! Even in my sick and tired state, I had no hope in God and couldn’t bring myself to trust Him with my life. All of that changed the summer of 2011.
It’ll be seven years this coming June that I’ve been facing some physical challenges. At first, I trusted solely in the team of doctors, specialists and myself.
It wasn’t until I noticed that no healing was taking place that I began to do an extensive self-evaluation of myself.
This led me to go before God and repent for my distrust and anger towards Him, and for the emotions I kept buried for many years. What I obtained from doing this is a personal relationship with God and a continuous reliance on Him through daily prayer, devotions and Bible reading.
Sometimes my physical challenges become overwhelming and causes me to wonder if God is going to heal me. Each and every time I find myself feeling uncertain, God draws me to Himself. God revealed to me that He is uninterested in my empty words. It means absolutely nothing if my outer shell is whole, and my heart is in turmoil. He desires to have all of me; everything residing in my heart—my honesty and vulnerability—the Real Me. Sometimes, the only prayer I can say is: God, help me; while other times, I lay everything I am feeling at His feet. It’s during those times of transparency, when I cry out to God for help, I feel His presence and experience His peace in such a powerful way.
Receiving God’s grace and mercy, which is extended every day, has shown me how to work out my own salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12) as I trust God with my life (Proverbs 3:5-6). I have seen how essential it is to quote scriptures and speak life over myself, as well as thank and praise God in the midst of my difficulties. I am eternally thankful to God that I am not, nor do I desire to be, the woman I was in the past. This journey of trusting God has not been easy. I have not arrived, but I am striving to move forward and grow every step of the way.
Lynnette Easter is a monthly contributor for B.L.I.S.S. from the D.C. area. Connect with her on Twitter and Instagram, and support her blog.
Loved reading! God is a God have purpose, everything that we go through is definitely for a reason. Continue to lean on God and His promises for Him to continue to reveal things to you! Your strength to recognize what God is doing in you heart/life is remarkable!
Praise God!!